Honest Paul

Stories within stories, wrapped around an idea in my head, and joys of memories and personal growths over the years.

I was working asphalt when I was given the nickname "honest paul". strike that, it was 7th grade P.E., I can recall being called that by my coach/instructor as he was asking if we'd done our stretches and push-ups/sit-ups, the kid who was supposed to get us doing it came out maybe a minute before the coach came out and got us into position. Coach came out and asked us if we'd stretched, etc., and everyone said yes except me. I said no, we hadn't. Needless to say he wasn't happy with everyone else, they weren't happy with me, but I was able to sleept that night.

Some years later, post high school and my second season into asphalt repair my foreman told me to tell the owner if asked that we had gassed up the night before and that we were already on the road to the job site. As we'd just pulled up I was gassing up while he went in to the gas station to grab some food, a drink, etc. The owner called, and I told him the truth, the foreman had asked me to lie and we hadn't done anything like we'd been instructed to and were more than an hour behind the schedule he thought we were on, which is the schedule our day was planned out with. Again I was called "Honest Paul" by the foreman with more than a hint of disdain during the remainder of my time with that company.

Can I lie? Yes, do I try not to? Yes. Especially when my honor is at stake.

"When men sin in silence when men should protest makes cowards of men." ~Abraham Lincoln

As a teen I was found to be both obnoxious and hot headed. Well, I'm still a little of both, but by and large there's dramatic improvement from my personal starting point, I say this from word of others, I'm still not happy with myself 100% but I know I'm closer than I've ever been in my adult life. My behavior drove people away. I thought it was because they didn't like Me, but the definition of a person goes beyond who they are and in to how they respond, and how they communicate (both transmitting and receiving).

It turned out I wasn't communicating what I really wanted to communicate. I would lash out, over react, and be furious over the dumbest things. I knew I wasn't happy but couldn't quite figure out why or how to change it. Perhaps I'm a tough love kind of guy, but I seem to recall mom saying to me that people didn't Want to be around me because of how I responded, because of how upset I would get, how I would respond, and that yes over all I was a good person but (this is my own metaphor following) even chocolate covered in enough cockroaches would drive Any person away. She was honest. Brutally and totally honest. Did it hurt? Yes. Absolutely. Was she right? Well, mothers aren't always right (No imperfect person is) but this time she hit the nail on the head, and it felt like it was hit by a sledge hammer. It hurt. Partly because how blunt she was about it, and more so because she was right, and there was no ifs ands or buts about it, she was right and the only way I could make things different would be if I changed. I had to change because I wanted to, because I had a drive a motivation leading me on to become something I wanted to see in the mirror, because I wanted to be able to fall asleep peacefully at night without quams or thoughts running through my head of what I'd done wrong and how to fix it, as with all things that aren't broken, if it ain't broken it don't need no fixin'. Yes, grammar issues intentional, and for your enjoyment, cause some times it's just more fun to say things the fun way.

Did I change? Well, I still am. It's an ongoing process, it always is and always will be until I don't have to think about it any more and it's just natural to respond in a calm collected manner when naturally I may want to scream and shout. It took someone being bitingly blunt, and my willingness to not only ask for help from those around me, but to accept that help as well and internalize the reality of fixing a real problem was my sole responsibility, and I was the one who would be accountable when all was said and done.