**sigh**

Sometimes I feel that I'm broken.  Not internally, not externally, and yet both.  Not emotionally or mentally, and yet both.  I think we all feel that way from time to time, maybe that's just a hope that I'm not "going crazy" and I'm a bit more like the people I interact with than I might otherwise give myself credit for.

Finding a job is difficult.  So bloody difficult.  When I completed my AAS in Photography I realized my school was going to extend the 4 years I'd already spent into an 8 year program for my 4 year BS degree.  When that reality kicked in I withdrew from classes, finished my internship and was applying for jobs near and far.  In the county, in the state, in the country, shoot if I thought I could land the job within my focus of practice I was applying for it.

I applied for jobs from February through May, it was in May 2009 that I decided to instead join the Navy.  I joined in the Delayed Entry Program (or DEP) and was scheduled for leave for bootcamp in April 2010 as a Corpsman (helps doctors, nurses and dentists).  I have no interest in the medical field but it was a shoe-in so when a different job opened up I could get into that job and leave for bootcamp more quickly because I'd already joined.

October First 2009 and the new fiscal year started, new openings popped up and I was able to be changed over to Operations Specialist (watches a RADAR screen, talks to ships, talks to air craft, directs boats, directs air craft, directs ships, operates computers), it wasn't my dream job but it was a job where I new I'd succeed, I'd earn rank quickly and with any luck within the first 2 or 3 years of my 4 year active-duty contract I'd be able to switch to MC (ie Mass Communications Specialist, ie Photographer).

In November 2012 the reality sunk in, I was denied (again) the option to convert to MC.  I was an OS2 (Operations Specialist E5), my year group was undermanned and almost every year group in the MC family was over-loaded.  They were kicking people out of the MC rating and I was the lonely sucker who kept trying to get into it and kept getting told no.

At this point I'd had knee surgery earlier in June 2012, re-tore the meniscus in the same knee in September 2012 and knew I was going to need another surgery in the early part of 2013.  I also had knee pain in the other knee, but it wasn't something the Navy was willing to check on until my worse knee was better.  Why give you 6 weeks down time when you can spread it out and let the not-so-bad knee get worse, right?  That's the logic they use.

I chose to give back my quota.  Seal the deal that there was no chance in heaven or on earth that I could stay active duty in the US Navy.  I did feel a bit pressured to make that decision, and by a bit I mean I had almost every leader and supervisor E7-O5 asking me several times a day if I was staying in or getting out.  "no pressure".

I chose to get out.  I sealed the deal.  Not knowing if there would be a job for me when I got out.  Knowing I'd probably not have my less-bad-knee operated on before the end of my contract and that I'd have to wait for the VA (Department of Veterans Affairs) to handle the issue.  I had a wife and a daughter at the time.  Before I got out my wife was pregnant (in our defense, she's had an internal issue which before our daughter had been preventing her from getting pregnant...apparently that issue isn't affecting her ability to get pregnant any more...as we found out).

In March 2013 my bad knee had knee surgery again, in October 2013 I was then seen for my less-bad-knee and an MRI confirmed a torn meniscus.  My wife, our daughter and I moved back home, moved in with my parents, confident that I'd be gainfully employed within the coming month.  Since I was taking almost a month of leave (paid vacation) we felt the move-in was quite temporary.

The government shut down and the push for Obamacare being funded I found had a grave impact on jobs.  The combination of those two factors put jobs, in the grave.  From November 2012 to November 2013 I watched jobs in California, Utah and Texas start to shrivel like grapes in the sun in death valley CA.  Still confident there was a reason which had lead my family back home to Utah every time I was called by the reserve Navy recruiters who had openings for MC's I felt directed to turn them down.

From October 10th until February 14th I'd had a phone interview with Xactware, an in-person interview with Ken Garff (as a vehicle photographer) and Two interviews with Rocky Mountain ATV/MC (where I interviewed to be their Director of Photography but was informed via mail today February 14th 2014 that they selected another candidate).  More than 20 jobs applied for every month for four months.  Three kind-of-prospects from it.  Let's not discount the fact that I'd actually started applying for jobs in November 2012, noting that I wasn't available until Oct-Nov 2013.

The most hope we've had in 4 months was RM ATV/MC.  They were great interviews.  I felt, and still feel, that I could have filled their needs quite well, I'd like to believe they felt that way as well considering they had me back for a second interview and hired their prime-candidate off of the second interview.  Still, there's something out there, a reason we're back in Utah, a purpose to fulfill here.

There's a job here somewhere.  It has benefits, a 401k and health insurance.  Most days it feels like I'm digging for the needle in the haystack.  Our savings from my military earnings have almost run dry, unemployment doesn't cover our bills but is "too much" to allow us to qualify for medicare/medicaid.  My wife is due with our second child in just about one month (note that she also delivered around two weeks early with our first child) oh and did I mention that the knee injury in the not-so-bad knee is adequate enough to make it so I can't lift heavy weight every day, or stay on my feet all day, or stay sitting all day?  The only job-type that will really work for my knee in its current condition is one where I can stand, sit, move around, be active but not heavy lifting (like when I was a CNC Press Brake Operator for 2 years with TriStar Manufacturing, prior to my internship at UVU).

Photography is the ideal job for my knees.  I can wear knee pads for when I need to kneel (also acts as a pseudo-knee brace I've found), I sit for processing, I stand and walk around for getting the images.  My equipment that's heavy is small, my equipment that's large isn't too heavy and I can roll it around as needed.  Sadly, there just aren't jobs out there for it right now.

Some companies believe that it's cheaper to hire-out to photographers, then they end up spending 30,000 - 60,000 on photographs every year and have inconsistent quality from the images because they're using different photographers each time, different gear is being used and it's not showing a consistent quality for the company.  Ken Garff figured that issue out and in the last year and a half has hired 10 full-time photographers.  They've set a trend which other car dealerships are struggling to match.  Eventually, perhaps, they might cave and move toward a logical choice.

In the mean time, there's a photographer with experience in Studio, Location, Event, Sports, Editorial, Photojournalism and a half dozen other niches in the photographic realm who remains for hire.  Based in Salem, Utah.  Eagerly searching for the company who will choose him as their best candidate.

Starts with a sigh, ends with a focused vector.